Absolutely Ghastly
by Insanity's Partner
Summary: I felt something at the back of my head, smoothly working the knot, and then tugging it off. Then the feel of his hands were gone, and the blindfold fell off. Then I saw three people I'd only previously seen on television. [Humorous two or three shot.]
1. Amen

**_Disclaimer:_** I do not own Twilight, or any of its respectable characters. I very obviously don't own American Idol. I also don't own the song used here. No copyright infringement is intended. Any religious mention is not meant to be offensive to anyone; this is a humorous fanfic. Not an insulting one.

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**Absolutely ****Ghastly**

**-Chapter One-**

"Edward?" I asked, trying to snake a hand up to the blindfold to tip it up, but his hand reached up and snatched it, before pulling it back down to my side, as he led me along. I had no idea where I was. I tried to listen to where I was, but I could only hear a lot of talking. He had walked me around for several feet, before stopping me here without a word.

I knew we were outside, because I could feel the sun beating against my scalp. This on its own was confusing. Sun? In Forks?

I stopped for a minute. Sun? With Edward? And people chatting happily near-by? I thought intensely about how this could be possible. I imagined Edward with gloves, a long sweatshirt with the hood up, large sunglasses and jeans. This image reminded me of the uni-bomber. Unfortunately, my blind-fold prevented me from looking at him and finding out.

But sun? In Forks? I knew we were driving for a long time, but it couldn't have been for more than an hour.

Or was it two hours? Edward was humming in the car, so that had distracted me. Not to mention the feel of his lips against the knuckles of my hands. That was also very, very distracting. So very distracting, that on second thought, it could have been three.

Despite my constant questioning of the camel colored silk bound around my eyes, he refused to tell me where we were going, or even why the blind fold was necessary to where we were driving.

So two hours….that would take us maybe to Oregon…perhaps somewhere in Idaho; Montana if we were really driving for three hours.

It was then, with icy realization that with Edward's insane driving, after three hours, we could be in California right now. I thought I might have heard a seagull squawking somewhere above us. My mind instantly raced. Were we at a beach, then?

So that must be it. It _was _the summertime, after all. In the dead of July, when it got hot and sticky on the West coast….the air was so thick, it felt as though if you inhaled too deeply, you would drown. You could almost feel the water swishing through the air. Not to mention it was warm, and the sun beating on my hair was somewhat unpleasant. Is it possible to get sunburned on your scalp?

I gulped. Sunburns. In Phoenix, I'd come to terms with a fact that was unavoidable; I don't tan. I burn.

Did Edward know this fact? Probably not. I don't remember ever telling him about my history with the sun. True, I loved the sun. Not as much as the thick cloud coverage I'd come to love now, but I'd still loved it. Sunscreen was my absolute best friend—next to Renée at least.

Suddenly I felt cold hands—cold, _oily_ hands—rubbing my shoulders. They were Edward's hands, definitely. I felt my knees go weak.

"Wh-what are you doing?" I asked him, shakily. His hands, rubbing my shoulders and neck and arms with oil made my knees go weak.

"Applying sunscreen." He said simply. If my eyes weren't covered by such a wide blindfold, I would have raised my eyebrows.

"What, so _now _you can read my mind?" I asked, annoyed, but secretly a little afraid.

"No," he said smoothly. "But I _know _your mind. If you're really are a danger magnet, then sunburns would be no stranger to you and your beautiful skin."

I scowled. "Fine then," I said. Then I thought about his words. "So I don't surprise you anymore?"

He laughed lightly, "A—"

He started to say something, but was interrupted by someone yelling. "Next!"

I jumped, I'd heard a lot of talking and laughter, which did fit into the beach trend—but not with the blindfold issue—but I was not expecting a harsh voice like that.

He finally removed his hands from my neck and back, and I could finally think again. That was when I noticed him herding me along, before feeling the blast of air conditioning that accompanied walking into a cold building after being in the hot sun. Where were we now? Obviously not the beach, though we could have been close to the coast, since there _were _seagulls.

I felt Edward push lightly on my back, leading me along, though I hadn't noticed I'd stopped, and then I felt something at the back of my head, smoothly working the knot, and then tugging it off. Then the feel of his hands were gone, and the blindfold fell off, I turned to look at Edward, but he was retreating back out a door.

"Edward?" I asked, my voice cracking with fear, but he just kept walking away. I felt my heart pound. I stared at the closed door with fear for almost a full minute, before I heard someone clear their thraot. My head snapped around, unaware that I hadn't been alone. And then I saw three people I'd only previously seen on television.

I opened my mouth. I closed my mouth. I opened it again. I finally found my voice, and the first thing I choked out was "There's been a mistake."

Simon rolled his eyes, but they otherwise ignored what I said, and stared at me expectantly. "Seriously…I-I don't sing…M-my boyfriend, he, um, tricked me into doing this." I was babbling. I tried to stop, but I couldn't. "I don't even watch this show!" I squeaked. "I don't even like singing along with the radio…this is a terrible mistake, if you could just let me go, I'll be gone, and you won't have deal with listening to me or—or—"

"Just sing something." Simon said, annoyed. Paula and Ruben stared at me, still expectantly.

"But—but I don't sing!" I cried. "I can't!"

"Sorry sweetie," Paula soothed, "But we can't let you go without you singing first." Ice dripped through my veins. My feet were tingling the familiar feeling that accompanied falling from a great height without meaning to, and my hands were suddenly very, very clammy. "It's part of the release form you signed?" she half stated, half asked to remind me.

My mouth gaped open. I was seething inside. He forged my signature! Edward forged my signature!

"Please," I begged, my voice cracking. "Don't make me sing!"

Simon, again, rolled his eyes. "Look, just sing something. If you're terrible, then we'll use the video for the gag reel, and you can get along with your life." His British accent was almost tauntingly insulting.

"What?!" I squawked, as Paula elbowed Simon in his side, and he glared at her in return.

I turned around, desperate, only then noticing the camera in the corner with horror.

"You are _so _going to get it later, Edward." I mumbled beneath my breath, almost certain he could hear me.

"Come on," Simon pushed. "We haven't got all day."

My heart was pounding so furiously, I was afraid that if I did sing, it would be shaky with the ferocity of its thump.

"What do I sing?" I asked, my voice shaking.

"Whatever you want, just sing something." Simon replied, piqued.

I gulped. Suddenly the only thing that came to mind was the only song that played on the radio before Edward tuned it off. I felt like an idiot, because it wasn't anything I'd ever sing, or even listen to in real life.

I noticed with sick humor that my heart was beating just in time to the drum beat that was playing in my mind. I tried to think of a song to sing, _any _other song. But absolutely nothing came to mind. I couldn't even remember my name at this point.

So, I did the only thing I could do. I opened my mouth, took in a shaky breath in, and tried to sing, but I'd taken in too much out of nervousness, and it blew out of my lungs on accident. The ice feeling was back. It slowly trickled from the tip of my scalp to my toes, making me feel as if someone had cracked a cold egg on my head.

"Sing!" Simon demanded.

I felt my throat constrict, but I opened my mouth again, and tried again.

"Remembering me, discover and see. All over the world, she's known as a girl. To those who are free, the mind shall be key. Forgotten as the past, 'cause history will last…" I took in a deep breath, though this was almost impossible, and tried to continue. "God is a girl, wherever you are! Do you believe it? Can you receive it? God is a girl, whatever you say! Do you believe it? Can you receive it? God is a girl, however you live! Do you believe it? Can you receive it? God is a girl, she's only a girl! Do you believe it? Can you receive it?"

I closed my eyes halfway through my little song. In my mind, the song continued, pumping out a dance beat, as the drum line kicked in, matching my heartbeat, beat for beat.

The cold feeling remained, and my stomach felt like it was digesting itself. I finally opened my eyes.

I was met with the shocked faces of the Judges, and the only cameraman. "What?" I cried, my voice cracking. "It wasn't _that _terrible, was it?" They remained silent, their mouths forming little 'O's of—what? Surprise? Horror?

I wanted to sink into the floor. I must really be terrible. "Yeah, well…I'll be going then." I squeaked out, turning and heading to the door on the other side.

"Freeze!" Ruben called. "That's the best performance we've heard since auditions began this season!"

I froze. They were joking. They had to be joking. This must have been Edward's plan. Pull the prank of a century on Bella. Humph. We'll see if I let him kiss me for a _month _after this incident. "Very funny, joke's over. Let me go, so I can go home and dump my boyfriend." I thought I heard something thump against the door, and despite the situation, I smirked lightly.

"No, we're dead serious." Paula said. "You were wonderful. Honestly…the best I've heard…since the show began. Really." Simon was still staring at me with the little 'O' of what I had now decided to be horror. He reminded me vaguely of Emmett.

Paula held out a neon orange piece of paper, and I timidly walked over to her and tugged it gently from her hands. "Welcome to Hollywood." She said, smiling.

My mouth gaped open as I stared at the paper. If this was a joke, I figure I'd go along with, it, and chew Edward out for it the next chance I get. I wondered idly how much he had to pay to pull all this off.

"You're amazing." Simon finally said, nodding his head, shocked.

Paula and Ruben turned to look at him in confusion. I remember from what few pieces of the show I had seen that Simon was the rude one. But Paula and Ruben looked downright scared. The cameraman looked as though it were a sign of the apocalypse.

They continued staring at him for a moment, while I continued staring at them, staring at him.

After a minute of silence, I shook my head, breaking the spell, muttering a thank you, and turning away.

I walked slowly back towards the door I came in from, seeing as it was the only way out, and was met by Edward's stony face. Oh yes, he'd definitely heard my little comment. It might not have been true, but it was good punishment.

His face was collected, but in his eyes I could see fear. He was afraid I might leave him. "I just wanted to hear you sing." He said, pleadingly. "I know I don't even have a right to beg, but please don't leave me..." he choked out.

I looked at him and felt bad, like I'd just kicked a puppy. I sighed and hugged him.

"So…" I stalled, "How much money did you have to spend to pull all of this off?" I mean, this joke might have been appealing, but it must have cost him a small fortune.

His mood seemed to change after he'd realized I'd been forgiven; he beamed, and kissed the top of my head. He opened his mouth to say something.

"You made it to the next round!" Alice cried instead of him, barreling at me from out of nowhere and hugging me fiercely. His confused expression told me this was unexpected.

It took me a second for the words to sink in.

"Wait...what?"

----

Haha, I don't even think I can leave this as a one-shot. There was already going to be more to it, but 2000 words is a lot for me, for a one-shot. Not the most, but still a lot.

I know, it's slightly OOC; Most humorous one-shots are.

Oh, and the song is called 'God is a Girl' by Groove Coverage. It's a dance song. I don't have any religious beliefs, by the way. So if this song offended anyone, there was supposed to be more to the joke. I'll fit it in later, I guess.

And I was slightly offended by the song when it said 'She's only a girl.'

What's that supposed to mean? Lol.

Regardless, I think I will continue it…I'm writing chapter two as you read. This won't be more than two or three chapters, though, so don't expect much.

I actually did one of those before. It wasn't for American Idol; it was just a talent search. I was only 12 at the time, though, and they couldn't legally or morally pit a twelve year old against people who had fully developed voices. That and I didn't _look _like pop star material, lol. I did get a compliment, though. She said I was good, but my voice was much undeveloped. Give it a few years, and some training, I had potential.

Oh, and if this idea is untapped, I'd greatly appreciate it if no one were to copy me…I saw someone post a 'knitting' story. And someone tried to do the 'What Stephenie did on her trip to Forks' fanfic.

And then, there's the 'How to write a DECENT fanfiction' thing, which speaks for itself, if you read the bottom author's note for the last chapter of Paradox. (That was posted nearly three weeks ago, while the idea was formulating for at least four.)

For all I know, this idea could have been used before…but I haven't seen any 'The Cullen's try out for American Idol' fics out there yet.

I don't even watch the show, lol. I had to Google insults used by Simon to come up with a title, lol.

So um, yeah. Keep an eye out for chapter two. It's halfway done, but I'll give it some time so people have time to review, and potentially warn me of other fanfics like this.


	2. Renouncement

Given some of the flames I received, I decided to edit this Author's Note.

I'm renouncing my Twilight Fandom for several reasons.

The first being that everyone has noticed the quality of her books taking a massive downward spiral. I think to her, it's becoming like trying to squeeze water out of a rock.

I'm not going to pretend I didn't like Twilight and New Moon, but enough is enough. I'm not going to say I didn't like Breaking Dawn, but if I was being honest with myself, I'd have to say I enjoyed laughing it it much more than I enjoyed reading it.

The second reason is that Stephenie Meyer's book got leaked all over the internet, and now she's whining and crying, "Oh, I cannot go on!"

As if it's never happened before. Seth MacFarlane was pissed when The Family Guy Movie had a massive leak a few days before it was released, but he didn't just pull the plug and cry, "You hurt me so badly! I can never give out my manuscript to you random shady-looking people if you're all just going to leak it!"

Frankly, it's her fault for giving it out in the first place.

I also feel like there's a pretty good chance that she leaked it herself. She said that her first impulse was to not continue, and then she assured everyone that it was only on hold, but that's a lie. She put the draft on her website for everyone to read. As long as it's there, she can't publish it because it would violate her copyright. She knows this. That was the reason she couldn't post the first chapter of Breaking Dawn on her website.

To me, that shows that she has no intent at all to publish it for as long as it's on her website. And even if she did still intend to publish it, she wouldn't have kept the book on her website so everyone could continue reading it. She would have taken it off in the hopes of keeping things from getting any worse.

She says, "But to end the confusion, I've decided to make the draft available here after _Midnight Sun_ page). This way, my readers don't have to feel they have to make a sacrifice to stay honest."

I don't know if anyone else has noticed, but you can't find the leak anymore. Every single leak has been eliminated. If she didn't want her readers to read it, all she would have to do is keep it off of her site. Her readers wouldn't have to sacrifice anything because they wouldn't get the chance to see it.

On top of that, she's directing the Jack's Mannequin video...when did this happen? Did anyone see what they had to say about this? "No, there won't be any vampires, but there might be some mermaids."

_How are they letting her _do _this?!_ Has she brainwashed them or something?

I think everyone is entitled to their own opinion, I'd love to hear what you have to say.

-Val (Insanity's Partner)


End file.
